I’ve come to realize that it is unlikely that I’ll have a hand in the conception of the next great technological marvel, and I must say, I’m not bothered by that. Though I am reluctant to become an inventor myself, I am grateful to those who are more technologically inclined than I for their inventions. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the geniuses behind some of my favourite things.
First, I would like to say thank you to Thomas Edison for his invention of the light bulb. I like to work on essays late at night, and I am grateful that I do not need to do this writing by candlelight. In addition, I’m a bit nervous around fire, so I’m glad that I don’t need to place twelve candles on my wooden table in order to get anything done after eight o’clock. On a larger scale, cities are a lot safer and concerts are a lot cooler for the presence of bright lights. Thanks Edison.
I am grateful to Orville and Wilbur Wright for their invention of the airplane. I love to travel, but I can barely make it through an intercontinental flight. I certainly wouldn’t be able to make it through a trans-Atlantic crossing by ship. Also, I went to the Titanic exhibit at the Science Centre a few years ago, and I decided I would rather take my chances through the air than risk an encounter with an iceberg. Thanks Wright Brothers.
I am grateful to Steve Jobs and the team of engineers who invented the iPod. I’ve had an iPod since the days of the iPod Mini, which seems like a fat baby more than a mini in light of technological advances. Even though I have an iPhone, I like to carry my Classic around, so I can have five thousand songs with me at all times. Thanks for keeping the old technology around Apple!
I would like to thank James Naismith for inventing basketball. I would also like to thank Bob Walsh, the creator of the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Championship, also known as March Madness. Thank you both for inventing two of my favourite things.
I must thank the ancient Egyptians for creating mascara, and the big cosmetics brands for bringing it to the masses. I look better because of their invention. While on the topic of feminine hygiene, I give thanks monthly to those who created a better feminine product. Thank you savvy foremothers.
I am grateful that Klaus Märtens met with Herbert Funck to bring Doc Martens to the masses. I am also grateful for the rockstars who made them cool. Thank you fellow Doc Marten wearers.
I must say thank you to those in the Malay states who made a sauce known as kĕchap as early at the seventeen century, and to Sandy Addison who made what is widely sold as ketchup. I must offer an even bigger thank you to the unnamed geniuses who created grilled cheese, without which my bottle of ketchup would go largely unused. Thank you brilliant chefs throughout the ages.
I would like to thank Bob Dylan and Tom Cruise. While neither invented the Ray-Ban, they certainly did make Wayfarers and Aviators look cool. Thank you Dylan and Maverick.
There are several inventions I know I should be more grateful for, like the wheel and the Internet and sliced bread. As I do not have a car or a bike, and I ride the bus infrequently, I mainly see the wheel on the vehicles I dodge as I attempt to J-walk across the street. Still, I am grateful for it when I am in a car or on a bus, because neither vehicle would function effectively if made into a sled. To praise or condemn the Internet is pointless, as the Internet is ubiquitous. And while I should thank Otto Frederick Rohwedder for his invention of the bread slicing machine, I’ve already talked about grilled cheese, the wonderful product of sliced bread. I should give thanks to the inventor of beer, but the beer drinking experience varies so much depending on the company that makes the beer, and I don’t want to praise my favourite breweries today. I’ll save that for Thanksgiving.
There are also several inventions I am not particularly grateful for, in spite of their practical value in my life. I do not wish to praise the creator of socks, because I find them restrictive and I wear them only to prevent blisters. You can never find a match for the ridiculous things either. I am not grateful for the invention of Snapchat, because I do not want photos of your face sent to me throughout the day. I am not grateful for drinkable yogurt, ellipticals or customizable ringtones. I could continue, but this will only lead to a rant about how much I’m bothered by flip flops or something like that, and frankly, you don’t want to get me started on the issues I have with flip flops.
To return this to a place of gratitude, I would like to say thanks again to the people who invented the products I use every day. You did a fine job, and have enhanced my quality of life. I toast you with a grilled cheese and thank you with all the force of a blog post.
Song of the Day: Birmingham by Shovels & Rope
