Winking

A few months ago, I wrote a post about awkward eye contact. I wrote that if you’re interested in someone, it is better to try talking to them than to stare at them — or worse, wink at them — from across the room, hoping your message is clear. I mentioned winking only briefly because I thought everyone knew that winking is generally a bad idea. A few days ago, I realized that not everyone knows this, and some people wink frequently and with gleeful abandon. I was minding my own business, waiting to get a beer at The Spoke when a friend of a friend approached. We had talked briefly before, but the conversation was not so long that we felt the need to ask for names. (I liked referring to him as the guy who always wore tank tops, anyway.) This time he felt the need to introduce himself, so I did the same. The conversation having come to an end, he said, “I’ll talk to you later Courtney,” and then he winked at me. Of course I reacted like it was nothing out of the ordinary, but as I walked away I thought What fresh hell? Why would anyone wink?

There are probably many articles that have been written about the psychology behind winking, but I thought it made more sense to look at the meaning of a wink in an everyday context so I could come to understand what it is supposed to mean between two people. In the spirit of common understanding, I turned to that well known plebeian encyclopedia, Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia, a wink can be used to convey “shared secret knowledge”, “approval / comfort”, or a meaning that is “sexual / flirtatious.” As far as shared knowledge goes, we had previously talked about how much we like Dan Mangan and Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros. Though neither artist is universally known — okay, everyone and their grandmother knows “Home” — I didn’t think that our taste in music would account for any sort of secret knowledge. Perhaps the wink was meant to communicate a level of comfort, because this friend of a friend infrequently finds out the names of the people he interacts with. By contrast, maybe he gave me a fake name, and the wink was meant to indicate that his name is actually Juan or Ralph or Stanley. And if he meant to show his interest, it is best that he reads my blog and realizes that verbal communication is far more effective and it’s best that he never approach me if I’m eating sushi in a park.

My discomfort with winking is likely based on my own inability to wink effectively. As you see in the above photos, I just end up looking like I tasted something bad. I wouldn’t know what it meant even if I was the one doing the winking, because I’ve never winked and been forced to determine why I’ve done so. One thing that Wikipedia makes clear is that for the gesture to be effective, it must be understood by both the sender and the receiver. In cases where the meaning is misunderstood or unknown, winking becomes even worse than communicating through eye contact alone. At least eye contact is commonly experienced. Winking just seems like something that your crazy great uncle would do, or something that happens when you squirt grapefruit juice in your eye accidentally. Until such a point that the meaning of a wink can be decided upon within a group or between a pair, it’s best that the gesture be used infrequently. As I have said before, verbal communication is much more effective and most people can’t pull off a wink anyway.

Song of the Day: 40 Day Dream by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros