If I wanted to open with a dramatic statement, I would say something like, My iPhone’s got more records than the KGB. But we all know that isn’t true, and that’s actually a line I took for MIA’s “Paper Planes.” Instead I’m going to say that I use my iPhone’s Notes app to keep track of ideas and encounters. Much of what ends up on this blog starts from something I wrote on my iPhone. I use it write down interesting things I overheard, or lines from conversations. A great thing about keeping notes in this way is that I always have information readily available to me that I can reference at opportune moments. Humour writer David Sedaris said his own practice of keeping notes is “an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. ‘That’s not what you said on February 3, 1996,’ I’ll say to someone.” I agree completely. Many conversations benefit from direct quotations. However, I mainly use my iPhone to keep track of my ideas, or my jokes that were too weird to tweet.
I’ve had several friends say over the years that they would like to spend a day in my head, to hear the kind of things I think about. “It seems like it would be fun,” said my friend Allicia when we were in high school. And most of the time it is, though some days my thoughts sound something like, Burritos, burritos, burritos, bandanas! The days when I’m thinking about something more interesting than food are the days when I make notes. For everyone who has ever wanted to spend a day inside my head, these are some notes from my iPhone to give you a sense of what it would be like.
December 10, 2011: “She is Billy Bishop when we like her and the Red Baron when we don’t.”
January 21, 2012: Today was supposed to be the day, but then I checked the weather, and now I’m wearing wool, and today is not the day.
February 8, 2012: I was making notes about a Soviet lieutenant general Pavlov. One paragraph later, “Stalin had Pavlov shot.”
July 9, 2012: If I ever form an indie rock band, the band will be called Cruel Amusements and our first single will be called “Where Did You Get the Bears?”
October 9, 2012: Just cats and basketball.
January 31, 2013: Clearly he doesn’t care about my continuing artist pursuits.
April 22, 2013: Curses from the Man. Don’t let the Man get you down! I can come in as your attorney.
May 8, 2013: Cubicle naps are the best and worst things about desk jobs. I’ll never forget the time I fell asleep for a few minutes and dreamt I was going through files with my mother and a talking chihuahua.
July 11, 2013: I’m a little concerned that my attempt to politely tell a friend that I do not want to follow him on Twitter has been misinterpreted, and now he thinks I want to take our relationship to the next level.
August 5, 2013: Judging by the flow of traffic, I’ll arrive home in time to watch Saturday Night Live. That is to say, I’ll get home five days from now.
October 16, 2013: He’s the kind of guy everyone has a profound spiritual experience with.
November 9, 2013: I’m alone and I don’t know what I’m doing.
December 6, 2013: Overheard in SEB: “You have the logic of a potato.”
January 9, 2014: I’m checking text messages when I’m supposed to be mediating. This seems to be an accurate representation of my life.
January 18, 2014: (To use Jay-Z’s words to Beyoncé in “Drunk in Love”) I am the baddest bitch thus far.
Now if only I could find my grocery list and locker combination in the midst of all those other notes.
Song of the Day: White Teeth Teens by Lorde
