Like all good working people, my life plan has involved many get rich quick schemes. I have often made plans for early retirement that involve finding a suitcase full of money or winning the lottery. (You show me someone whose life plan hasn’t ever involved winning the lottery, and I’ll show you a liar.) You can imagine my joy and my surprise when I came across a get rich quick scheme that is completely safe and feasible. Warren Buffett and Dan Gilbert are offering one billion dollars to the person who can fill out a perfect March Madness bracket.
It’s no secret that I love basketball, and college basketball in particular. I think that March Madness is the most wonderful time of the year, so of course I take my bracket very seriously. I considered the challenge ahead of me, and I thought, I’ve got this. So what if the odds of making a perfect bracket are 1 in 9.2 quintillion? So what if half of my Final Four didn’t make it to the Sweet Sixteen last year? This year I will win my family bracket challenge once and for all, and become a twenty-one year old billionaire. I will finally be able to live out my life dream of becoming an eccentric jet setter, and I’ll be able to take up hobbies like yachting and collecting Rolexes. I went to the contest rules while I dreamed of the meeting with Mr. Buffett that was to come.
Just as it is no secret that I’m a basketball fan, it is a well known fact that I am Canadian. This is a great thing, expect when I have to be living in the United States to be eligible to win a billion dollars. I began to consider my options. Could I use a fake address? No, I think Mr. Buffett would realize I was making things up soon enough. Could I use a real address? No, I might run the risk of losing my prize money to a man named Jeb living in the bayou. I’ve always wanted to spend some time in Portland or San Antonio, but I would have a hard time handing in my essays if I moved there in the next few weeks. I could move in with my cousins in Tonawanda, but I don’t think my school would allow me to do a three week long exchange at University at Buffalo, and even if I was a billionaire, my family wouldn’t be particularly impressed if I dropped out of school a month and a half before graduation.
It was at this point that I realized that my latest get rich quick scheme cannot succeed, and I will not become a twenty-one year old billionaire. (Gone is my dream of wearing one of my many Yacht-Master watches on one of my many yachts.) That’s alright though, because there will always be other sporting events to win money off of, and I will always find another get rich quick scheme.
Hey, did you hear about my latest entrepreneurial venture?
Song of the Day: Royals by Lorde
Both because I’m into a Lorde groove right now, and because we’ll never be royals if we can’t enter billion dollar contests in Canada.
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